Virginia Toddy Holeman: Forgiveness

Dr. Virginia T. Holeman, Professor of Counseling, Asbury Theological Seminary (Kentucky)

In today’s world of broken relationships and interpersonal pain, the church needs to speak the message of forgiveness to those who need to experience the freedom that comes through this ancient practice. But extending forgiveness to one’s enemies, that is to forgive someone who has wounded you, is easier said than done.

When we use the word “forgiveness” we often have a fuzzy understanding of what “forgiveness” means.  Many confuse forgiveness with closely related concepts, such as excusing, pardoning, and forgetting.  Forgiveness is none of these things.

In contrast, forgiveness names the wrongdoing and identifies the injustice as clearly as possible. Forgiveness does not let injustice go unnoticed or unnamed. The challenge here is to name the wrongdoing “rightly” because we are likely to magnify the wrong actions of the other person and minimize the impact of our own misdeeds in the relationship. By naming the offense rightly, forgiveness provides a way for me to release my wrongdoer and myself from the chains of the wound that now binds us together. It involves a letting go of my anger, resentment, and rage.  It is offering unmerited favor (i.e., grace) to one who has betrayed and wounded me, just as Jesus has extended His unmerited favor to me (Colossians 3:13).

Forgiveness is frequently confused with repentance. Miroslav Volf helps clarify the relationship between forgiveness and repentance in his 2006 book Free of Charge. Volf acknowledges that God is the source of all good gifts. In God’s outstretched hands is a costly gift, that of God’s forgiveness. Like all gifts, the gift-giver paid the price for the gift. The intended recipient has only to receive the gift. A recipient’s refusal to receive the gift does not invalidate the gift. In other words, God’s forgiveness calls forth for our repentance. In other words, one can forgive even if the other does not repent. Repentance certainly makes forgiving a wrong doer easier, but we do not need to wait until the other person repents before we offer the gift forgiveness.

Forgiveness is also often mistaken for reconciliation. Forgiveness is an intrapersonal process. Reconciliation is an interpersonal process. It only takes one person to offer forgiveness.  It takes two people to reconcile. Reconciliation requires an injured party who is willing to forgive and a repentant wrongdoer who is committed to changed behavior over time. When this kind of forgiveness and repentance are embodied in the midst of a damaged relationship, then reconciliation is more likely to happen. In a similar manner, people mix up forgiveness and trust.  Forgiveness clears the past offense from the relationship ledger, but it does not offer blind or foolhardy trust to one who has not yet taken responsibility for the pain inflicted nor demonstrated changed behavior.  For one to trust again, the other must demonstrate acts of trustworthiness over the course of time. You can forgive and yet not trust the other person.

Forgiveness is an act in response to an interpersonal offense and it is a habit of the heart. We serve a God of forgiveness! That is we belong to the Triune God who was offended by the very humanity that God created, and yet continued to reach out to sinful human beings through forgiveness. God’s commitment to forgiveness reaches its peak in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And through Jesus Christ we are reconciled to God. By the power of the Holy Spirit, God’s people are able to extend that same “makes no sense” kind of forgiveness to others.

Walking the path of forgiveness is not an easy journey.  Many twists and turns mark the way forward. At times the trail is obscured by weeds that have to be cleared before one can make more headway. Yet we do not walk this path alone. Jesus Christ, the Son, cleared the path before us. The Holy Spirit walks with us. And the loving arms of God the Father beckon us onward.