Javier Sierra: "Good-Enough Parenting"

Javier Sierra, Associate Professor of Counseling, Asbury Theological Seminary (Florida).

As a Christian counselor, I am often asked about parenting tips, etc.  I have found an underlying truth for all parent-child relationships: Children need both love and structure.  The following is a discussion I often find myself having with these parents.

“Parenting is scary”, “parenting is tough”, I don’t know how many times I have heard these two expressions coming from regular folks who try to parent their children the best way possible.  It seems there is a generalized sense that our job as parents is always falling short.  How do we know that what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing? How do we know that our way of parenting is at least good enough?

I want to suggest that one of the key elements in a good-enough parenting model is a balance between warmth and control, in other words, a balance between expressions of love and structure.  Now, what does this mean in reality?  Let me just mention a couple of things that reflect this balance:

First, we need to make sure that we are constantly and positively affirming our child.  We express love by using verbal expressions that feed a positive self-esteem.  We all know that statements like “you are such a great kid”, or “very well done” are a must in our daily interactions with children. But do we make sure that these phrases are accompanied by non-verbal expressions that match them?  For instance, good eye contact and coming to their level when talking to them, hugs and kisses, or just a smile when affirming them.  It is important to use our body language to let them know that we are paying attention to them. Affirmation should be there always, don’t worry, you will never over do it.  

On the other side of the continuum we should have clear and specific expectations of their behavior.  Just to say “I want you to be good” is not good enough.  We need to be able to say what is it that we need our child to do, how and when.  This will shape their behavior and will help them lower their anxiety.  It is not enough to say “pick up your toys”, or “ clean up your room”, we need to teach them how we want them to do it, and even model it for them first, and help them as they learn to do it.  Many times we assume that just because our children live with us they are supposed to know how we want things, wrong!, we need to be specific.  Now with the expectations we need to include rewards when things are done as expected and consequences when they are not.  Children should know what the rewards and the consequences are before hand, not as a way of bribing or scaring them, but to teach that their behaviors in life have both rewards and consequences, and that it will be their responsibility to choose wisely.     

Much more can be said about balancing warmth and control, but if we become more aware and intentional about trying these two suggestions it is possible to start seeing some significant positive outcomes in our interactions with our children.  Remember, you don’t have to be perfect as parent, just good-enough!